60 Funniest Ane-Liners That Volition Leave Your Friends Laughing

Become the sitcom hero you've always wanted to be.

We've all experienced that awkward moment of silence. It happens even in a gathering of sometime friends. At that place'southward a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. You want to relieve everybody from the awkwardness, but your heed is a blank. You don't desire to blurt out something lightheaded, considering that merely makes the moment all the more awful and cringe-worthy. But if you had a game-program—a foolproof joke, a one-liner, say, that could suck all the tension out of the room—why, you lot'd be a hero! Yous'd be the Chevy Chase circa late-'70s of your social circle, the one who could be counted on to say the perfect thing at the perfect time to make everybody experience a picayune less uncomfortable and lightheaded. If just you had planned ahead and had a few one-liners in your back pocket, ready for whenever y'all needed them…

Relax, we've got your back. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-then-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Commit them to retention, and yous'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the chat had lagged in the first identify.

Clever one-liners to accept on-hand

old men laughing on park bench, one liners
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  1. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people announced vivid until they open their mouths."
  2. "I e'er take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila."
  3. "I don't have a beer gut. I accept a protective covering for my stone hard abs."
  4. "I read recipes the same mode I read science fiction. I get to the finish and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"
  5. "Coin talks. Merely all mine ever says is cheerio."
  6. "Noesis is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
  7. "Life's similar a bird. It's pretty cute until it poops on your caput."
  8. "I'one thousand skeptical of anyone who tells me they exercise yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch."
  9. "I don't accept a girlfriend. Merely I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that."
  10. "A computer once beat me at chess. But information technology was no match for me at kickboxing."
  11. "I take a lot of growing upward to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
  12. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a human being to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven't you?"
  13. "We accept enough youth. How virtually a Fountain of Smart?"
  14. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
  15. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see near that."
  16. My first feel with culture daze? Probably when I peed on an electric fence."
  17. "Worrying works! More than xc percentage of the things I worry almost never happen."
  18. "I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."
  19. "Money can't purchase you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!"
  20. "The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast."
  21. The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no 1 runs in your family unit."
  22. "Yous don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to become skydiving twice."
  23. "Letting become of a loved one tin exist hard. But sometimes, it'southward the but way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe."
  24. "A positive attitude may non solve all your problems. Only it will badger enough people to make it worth the effort."
  25. "E'er infringe money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."
  26. "Build a man a fire, and he'll exist warm for a twenty-four hours. Set a homo on burn down, and he'll exist warm for the residuum of his life."
  27. "Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So report hard and exist evil."
  28. "Isn't it odd the way anybody automatically assumes that the goo in lather dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust."
  29. "I used to be indecisive. Now I'yard non sure."
  30. "Women should not have children subsequently 35. Really, 35 children are enough."

The best funny ane-liners

group of people laughing at joke, one liners
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  1. "Going to church building doesn't brand you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
  2. "It's never a skillful idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You'll have trouble putting on your pants.
  3. "Change is inevitable—except from a vending automobile."
  4. "Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when y'all say the pigment is wet?"
  5. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
  6. "What's the divergence between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'You lot ain't gonna believe this…'"
  7. "The concluding thing I want to practise is hurt you. But it's nonetheless on the list."
  8. "There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
  9. "I am not a vegetarian because I dear animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
  10. "At every party at that place are two kinds of people: those who want to go abode and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
  11. "If Walmart is lowering prices every twenty-four hours, why isn't anything in the store costless yet?"
  12. "The easiest task in the globe has to be coroner. What'southward the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes incorrect, maybe you'd get a pulse."
  13. "I have all the coin I'll ever demand—if I die past iii:00 p.one thousand. this afternoon."
  14. "A Telly can insult your intelligence. But goose egg rubs information technology in like a figurer."
  15. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always recollect… The fire department unremarkably uses water."
  16. "You are such a practiced friend that, if nosotros were on a sinking ship together and there was merely one life jacket, I'd miss you so much and talk well-nigh yous fondly to everybody who asked."
  17. "The early on bird might get the worm, but the 2d mouse gets the cheese."
  18. This is my stride ladder. I never knew my existent ladder."
  19. Some cause happiness wherever they get. Others whenever they go."
  20. "It's not the fall that kills yous. It's the sudden stop at the finish."
  21. "Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-five years, but I finished information technology in 18 months."
  22. "Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the terminal time I go out brownies in the oven while I nap."
  23. "My boss is going to burn the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might exist me."
  24. Don't trust atoms, they make upwardly everything.
  25. Did you lot hear about the guy who got hitting in the head with a tin of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  26. "I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around."
  27. "When I lose the Telly controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination."
  28. "About people are shocked when they detect out how bad I am as an electrician."
  29. "My get-go chore was working in an orange juice manufacturing plant, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate."
  30. "My math teacher called me average. How hateful!"

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